When Queries Go Bad

Last year a group of writers at an online writing community got together and, as a gag, tried to write the worst query letter ever. Below is the best of my attempts.

And please PLEASE please, don't think it is supposed to be taken seriously. DO NOT use this as a template to send out for real. Remember, this was a winner in the WORST query competition, and is to be used for humor purposes only. (Although in some ways, it does reflect how many - including me - feel sometimes about the rejection process.)

Enjoy.

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Dear Great and Powerful Agent,

I'm writing to you as a last ditch effort to get someone, anyone, to read my first book. So far, no one has cared about my book but some place called P------ A------, and while I am getting quite desperate, I'm not insane.

I believe that I've written the greatest novel anyone will ever read, but if I can't get anyone to read it, no one will ever know how wonderful, thoughtful and insightful my book is. I'd crawl on my knees through broken glass to get someone other than my friends and family to read it, so please consider giving it a chance. I know in my heart that the world needs to read this book, and that once the public has a chance to buy it, they'll be flocking to the stores to get one.

I haven't submitted to any publishers, because frankly I'm scared sh*tless that they'll ignore me, too. Please don't step on my soul like everyone else. I don't think I could take that.

Enclosed is everything your website asks for, and nothing that you don't want. I can't afford to have you even the least little bit irritated with me because you hold my future in your hands.

I'm waiting by the phone for you to call, holding onto the last drip in my well of hope that it will be a request for more material and not the silence that precludes another rejection letter.

Pathetically yours,

A. Writer